Misunderstandings
by insane-train
Summary: COMPLETE! set after bainbridge finds them in the tundra. split pov, both are thinking on howard's sudden admission of love. why, how? will it actually get anywhere?
1. Chapter 1

**disclaimer: don't own it, don't profit from it, wish i did :P**

A/N: well, I'm back again! This one's quite similar to my previous fractured sunshine fic but they're not connected. The reason they're in a similar format (inner monologue) is because both of them came from the same train of thought: what were they thinking after each of these little incidents?

Thanks to chugirl, BeckyRocks-x, spice merchant and swisstony for reviewing fractured sunshine! And, BeckyRocks-x – here's more! :P

Misunderstandings

"…Vince… this is difficult for me but I feel as though I should say this… I love you, Vince."

"…"

"What you doing?"

"Nothin'."

"Are you laughing?"

"No…"

"You'd better not be laughing at me, now… I'm telling you I love you, how dare you laugh at me?"

"You're makin' me laugh—''

"—That is so humiliating."

"You just caught me off guard…"

"Really?"

"Yeah, it was outta the blue…"

"Well I'm telling you I love you and you're laughing at me!"

"I love you!"

"You don't love me."

"I do!"

"You're just saying it cos I said it to you, it doesn't work, it doesn't mean anything."

"No, I love you."

"No you don't."

Howard POV

He laughed at me. How could he, how dare he laugh at me?

We're on the way back from the arctic now and every minute of the journey so far has been spent in silence. I don't think my feelings have ever been hurt as much as today, because I'm Howard moon, and my feelings just don't get hurt, no sir! I just brush it off like an indifferent… insult-brusher.

But today was too much. Vince didn't have to laugh, even if he did find the idea ludicrous. Mind you, subtlety was never his strong point. I mean, look at the way he dresses, all glittered up like a disco turkey!

Even if he did try and take it back, he still did it. Even if he decided to say it back to me, it meant nothing because the laugh cancelled it out.

…I wonder if it was the right time to say it? After all, we were about to face imminent death by freezing. Although, if I'd left it any longer there's a chance it wouldn't have got said at all. I wonder what Vince's reaction would have been if I'd said it under different circumstances? Would I even have said it, or did I just say it cos I was so scared?

I'm not even sure of how I meant it. As a friend, or more? We've been friends for a really long time, and if you've been friends this long, you're supposed to love each other, yeah?

But if I'd meant it as more… there's always been this underlying thing between us, I think, but that's probably just a by-product of our friendship… unless I'm actually in love with him. It'd explain a lot, like why I'm even still friends with him, and it'd explain why I get so jealous when he goes on dates and stuff… it's not jealousy of him, it's jealousy of the girls.

This is stupid. I'm not even gay! I'm in love with Mrs. Gideon! I'm the straightest man you could ever find, sir, straighter than a manly railway line!

I wish I knew how Vince interpreted it. Probably just as a friend – after all, we ARE only meant to be friends, I bet he hasn't even thought about it.

…the very fact that that thought is depressing me must mean that I have feelings for him.

Probably it would be too much to hope that he'd ever feel the same, though.

Vince POV

I wish I hadn't laughed. I've probably ruined everything we had between us now, friendship or otherwise.

Why did I laugh anyway? It was such a stupid thing to do. I think it was a nervous reaction. I was telling the truth when I said he'd caught me off guard. Really, I wasn't listening to the start of the sentence, so I expected some crap about 'Howard Moon, man of action' – but then he comes out with that! Something I never expected to hear from him, not even in a friendship sorta way. He's just so reserved usually…

I know I hurt his feelings. That's why we haven't talked for the last two hours. I don't think we've ever, not in the whole history of our friendship, gone this long without talking – not even the time I told our classmates Howard was the local paedophile. It's not my fault they believed me, alright?

I tried to say sorry, tried to say it back, but he didn't believe me. So I guess I'm gonna have to wait till – or even if – this all clears up and he forgives me.

How did Howard mean it? Just as a friend, probably. I mean, friends do love each other. But what if he'd meant it the other way? In an… in love kinda way? I think I'd like that. I've had feelings for him for a while, which was weird when I realised, cos I always thought I was into girls - and even if I was into guys, Howard would be one of my last choices… obviously I know different now though.

So I know how I wish he'd meant it, but it's dead unlikely. For one, Howard's the straightest guy I've ever met; he's in love with Mrs. Gideon for another – and on top of that I'm so not his type – he's all jazzy and into bookmarks while I'm allergic to jazz and actually have a dress sense.

Anyway. It's useless even thinking about types and stuff cos it's never gonna happen. He meant it as a friend and that's it, I guess.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: well, after some kindly reviews from kindly people, chugirl, beckyrocks and swisstony here's chapter 2! Basically, this is 'where the relationship stands', and not much plot progression since as of yet I have no idea where I'm going with this or anything since it was meant to be a oneshot at first. the story now is in between series 1 and 2, and they've moved into the flat and away from the zooniverse. it's a month on. I have also decided it's all going to be in internal monologue, since anything else seems wrong after the first chapter. Enjoy! x

Chapter 2 – stilted and awkward

"I'm goin' out".

I look steadily at my friend, standing in front of me with sincere blue eyes – downcast. I think about saying something to try and dissuade him from going – then I decide against it.

"Fine. Don't be too late back."

What would be the point? I tried at first and he didn't listen, just went out anyway, he's been going out to all these places every night recently. In fact, things just haven't been the same since the argument. We started talking about a day afterward. Probably Vince only apologized because he couldn't stand the silence… or not having someone to prattle endlessly to about clothes and hair and electro. Now it's been a month, and I'm still hurting from that thoughtless laugh in the tundra.

Why though? Vince did apologise, after all… so why can't I just get over it? Why can't things go back to normal? I know I thought at the time that I might have feelings for him, but the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it seems…

I mean, it isn't as if we haven't argued before… like when Vince told our class I was a paedophile back in year five. I got over that after a bit… so how is this any different? I need an explanation other than the little voice telling me that I'm in love with him. Cos I refuse to believe it.

I'm gonna do some organising and listen to some jazz. That always makes me feel better.

* * *

…I can't concentrate on this. He's usually back by one, he's late. Where is he? Okay, don't panic, there's some explanation. He's probably met some squirrels on the way, and they asked him to mend their car. That'll be his explanation, anyway. Oh, hang on, there's the door.

"Vince?"

"'Iya, Howard!"

"Vince, you're wasted!" Most of the time he's okay with his drink, but sometimes he comes home in this state. Guess who has to sort him out?

"I only 'ad a few!" He's looking up, staring at me through blue, drink-bleary eyes. A pang in my stomach is informing me that this is the first time he's looked at me since before the argument. He must really be gone then.

Why does he not look at me any more, anyway? It can't be guilt, because I don't think that's a concept that's ever entered the little electro-fairy's mind. I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling that Vince is a lot more complex than he lets on.

"Come on, little man, let's get you in." Procedure's always the same when he's like this. Give him a drink of water, something to eat to absorb all the alcohol, put him in his PJs and take him to bed.

* * *

Water – check. Food – check. PJs – check. Right, need to get him into bed. Easy enough. He's not heavy; in fact he's woefully skinny. I should set about feeding him up a bit more. Right, here we are. Let's get him into bed, arrange the bedcovers so he's nice and warm and…

"'Oward?"

"Yes, little man?"

"Love you"

"…okay, little man. Go to sleep now."

Great, my stomach's going again. Doesn't it realise that Vince is, for one, completely off his head, and two, he laughed at me for saying that a month ago, so would have no reason to say that to me now, would he? No sir, he would not. I'm going to bed.

* * *

Ow, my head. I must have drunk way too much last night. I wonder if it'd be stupid to try and move? Ow ow ow. Yes, that was stupid. I suppose I should get up, though. I bet Howard sorted me out last night. How wasted was I? I hope I didn't say anything stupid to him.

I can't believe Howard still sorts me out when I do this. Even after I laughed at him. I wonder if he's over that yet? I don't want to ask him. I haven't stopped feeling guilty yet, which is weird as I don't usually feel guilty at all.

What if he hasn't properly forgiven me yet? If he's still hurting? I'm still not sure really why it hurt his feelings that much. I know things have been weird between us since it happened, but I'm sure that's just my guilt.

I'm gonna go and grab some breakfast.

"Hey, Howard."

"Hey."

Mmm, toast. Well, at least a hello's a start.

"So…" I can see him looking at me expectantly. Isn't it weird that I still can't look at him in the face after a month?

"Did I make an idiot of myself last night?"

"Not really," I can almost feel the disapproval radiating off him in waves. "You drunk way too much though, little man. I'm surprised you got home at all, never mind in one piece.

Hang on. It's been ages since he's called me little man. How come it feels like it wasn't that long ago at all then?

"You could barely walk when you came home. You were really late back as well. You told me you'd only had a few."

…Oops. I can remember last night now. Probably the 'little man' triggered it. Okay, so, coming home, Howard sitting me at the kitchen table, Giving me water and a bag of crisps… putting me in my pyjamas… carrying me to bed… uh-oh…

My expression must have changed to one of shock because Howard's looking at me with an air of confusion.

"Everything okay, Vince?"

"Uh. Yeah. Just remembered that I'm meetin' with Fossil today about his new club, the Velvet Onion. Gotta go and get ready!"

I can see out of the corner of my eye, his expression changing to one of suspicion. Right, I'm going to get dressed and go somewhere where I can think this through. The meeting isn't actually till later on anyway.

* * *

Right. The park seems a good place to think about this.

So the last thing I told Howard before we went to bed last night was that I love him. And from what I can remember, I sounded sincere about it too. Which means… no, I'm not sure… how might he have taken it? Will he believe me or not? How will he interpret it? Love love or friendly drunken love? I hope he doesn't read too much into it, I'm not ready to talk to him about this yet. I was wasted anyway; it's likely he just took it as my drunken ramblings.

…but when you're drunk, things you don't know you want come out. Will Howard think of that?

I'm still not sure about wanting Howard anyway. I mean, I know I have feelings for him, but I don't understand why… he isn't my type, I've thought to myself over and over again. I don't go for tall northern jazzy freaks; I go for cute _girls_ who like clothes and hair, and good music and dancing!

He is kind and sweet and caring, though. He has nice hair, too. Soft and it smells nice. If he'd just let me do something with it… I'd never tell him that, though, or any of this – I'd be too embarrassed.

It's so stupid even thinking about this. He's so straight he's almost bending the other way. I always end up thinking about this, the opposite thoughts, chasing each other around my mind until I could scream. But I can't cos I'm the sunshine kid. I'm meant to be happy all the time.

I hate the fact that, even though it was unlikely before, I've managed to ruin everything for good between us now. And I can understand now that that's why I'm feeling so guilty. Because I've ruined a friendship and I can't live with it. I need to do something to patch this up as best I can. I should talk to him about it.

Best actually get to that meeting with Fossil. Even if things are difficult between me and Howard, we still need to make some money.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: hey everyone, i'm back with yet another installment. i have to say this may be the one i'm proudest of so far. It DOES actually involve plot progression, thank goodness, and not vince and howard floundering around inside their mind, trying to work out how they feel. thanks as always for the lovely reviews, they really encourage me to keep writing! love you all! **

Chapter 3 – Ups and Downs

I hope Vince wasn't too late for that meeting with Fossil. He seemed in a real rush to get out. Seems a bit silly to have a meeting this early on. I suppose Fossil always was a bit weird, though.

I can't stop thinking about last night when he said… he loved me. What if he does? What do I do then? Do I even know how I feel yet? No, I don't, sir! I couldn't be more indecisive if I was superglued to a fence. I wish someone could come along and decide for me, and I would just go along with it.

So if he does love me in… That Way, do I reject him or just tell him I have absolutely no idea where my feelings are on this?

I don't know. Sounds like he's back, anyway… you know, it disgusts me, how he can walk into a room with such grace, such self-sureness… I think I forget how beautiful he is sometimes. His blue eyes are meeting mine for the first sober time in a month, and, ow… my heart's set to racing and my stomach's doing backflips into my small intestine. Maybe this really has been decided for me. Maybe I am… come on, Howard, is it so hard to admit? Maybe I'm… in love with Vince. Yeah! I'm in love with Vince! Okay, calm down, he probably only meant it in a friendly way anyway, so there's nothing to get excited about.

Uh-oh, he's been talking to me for the last five minutes and I haven't heard a word of it. Best tune in…

"…probably get gigs as the club's house band, you know, on a Friday night or something. Not till we're quite good, though, and the pay won't be amazing. He wanted to pay us in sour cream and chive Pringles at first but I wanted actual money – I said Pringles'd be a great currency an' all but I'd definitely eat 'em, eh, Howard? Howard?"

He's babbling immensely. I still can't get over the fact that he's looking at me, for the first time in ages. I'm going to have to try and say something…

"So, er, little man…" I begin awkwardly, seeing him smile at the old term of affection. "I couldn't help but notice that it's been a bit… awkward… since the argument we had in the tundra…"

Vince frowns, and for one terrifying second I think he might actually shout at me or run away.

"Yeah, about that, actually. I really was sorry about laughin' at you. Still am. An' I never stopped feelin' guilty either. It's funny, really. I've never felt guilty before now and one argument's just made me feel really bad for the whole last month. I just wanted things to go back to normal so much…

I suddenly feel an immense rush of affection well up inside me, and I fold my arms around him.

"I forgive you, little man." I murmur. "There's no need to feel guilty any more, because I'm over it, and everything's fine again."

We sit there on the sofa for about five minutes in that warm hug, feeling strangely whole again.

Suddenly I can feel Vince pulling away, and then leaning closer to my face. I look into his eyes, impossibly blue. He looks away, biting his lower lip, then looks back, unleashing the full force of those eyes on me again. Suddenly his lips are on mine, his eyes closed. He's kissing me! Chaste and gentle, the kiss goes no further than lips, and I can feel myself numbly start to respond, as if controlled by someone else.

…and then that little voice comes out from some murky corner of my mind… what if he's just messing around? Would he be so cruel? Is that why he 'apologised'?

I'm pulling back now, still numb, and not even daring to steal a glance at Vince's face, running out of the room.

* * *

I dunno how that happened; I didn't even mean to kiss him! All I meant to do was say sorry and that would be it, we'd be friends again.

I must have scared him off. I suppose I should really have expected that reaction from him though, so I shouldn't have done it – after all, Howard couldn't get any straighter.

I suppose at least now I know.

He's back now. I think he wants to talk to me but I don't really want to hear the 'are you gay? I'm sorry, I'm not gay' talk from him. No thanks. In fact, I'm going out…

* * *

Okay, so this is the best state to be in. slightly drunk, so you're happy and so you're confident enough to find someone to take home….

In fact, I can see someone now. Kinda tall, blonde hair, cute… the fact that he's a guy is unusual for me but, whatever. Obviously I don't care about gender any more, anyway…

I'm dancing right up close to him now. I don't think he seems to mind. We're quite far apart at first but suddenly my face is just inches from his. Again unusually, it's him leaning in for the kiss. It's wild and gentle, passionate and innocent all at once… I'm taking him wordlessly by the hand and leading him out.

* * *

I can't sleep. Two hours ago he brought this… Man… home. Tall, blond and handsome. Now they're at it in the room next door – very loudly, may I add – and I'm left in here to listen in.

It's as if he just wanted to add salt to the wound by bringing a better looking guy than me home, then sleeping with him. So he'll kiss me for a joke, and then go have sex with some stranger from a random nightclub. How inconsiderate can you get?

I can hear their climaxes now, louder and louder. One of them's hitting the wall. I can't help but think that it should be me in there instead of some blond tart from Camden town.

Sounds like they've finished now. Thank goodness. I'm going to sleep…

* * *

…_in a dark room… bright blue walls and a black painted ceiling. Vaguely wondering how a room could be dark and bright at the same time… that's when I realise that it's the same colouring as his eyes and hair… as if thinking about it makes it happen, here he is, all blue and black like the room… I can barely see him; like I'm looking at him through steamy glass… he has a hurt expression on his face._

_He's asking me something but I can barely make it out, sounds like I'm hearing it through a load of white noise. What is it? He's saying… why did you run away? Over and over again. I go to answer, but with a prickle of nightmare panic I find I can't move or speak I'm mouthing his name but he shakes his head sadly and begins to fade away, as if the steam on the window just got worse. Soon he's gone and I'm completely panicking, still silently screaming his name…_

* * *

"…Vince! Vince! Vince? Vince!" I'm terrified and it's dark and suddenly I realise I can't remember why I'm even scared, why I'm even calling out for Vince, which frightens me even more. I gasp for breath…

"Howard? Are you okay?"


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Well, here I am, back with another chapter after a bit longer than I thought it would be! I hoped you liked my last chapter… this one's going to be pure fluff, I warn you..._

_Remember, reviews make me happy! _

Chapter 4 – some progression, some regression

"Howard? Are you okay?"

I'd woken up, not sure why at first, but then I'd realised that I could hear Howard calling my name. Not in fear, but in blind, absolute terror. I'd immediately started worrying about what could be happening and got up to investigate.

So here I am, looking at the terrified face of Howard, worried as hell.

"…Vince? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me… what happened? You sounded dead scared just."

"I think I just had a bad dream…" he sits up and switches the bedside lamp on, and I see his face. Beautiful, but at the moment it's ravaged by terror. There are tears running down his face. I'm surprised by this, since I don't think I've ever seen him cry – or even in this bad a state at all. It must have been one hell of a bad dream to get him like this.

"D'you remember it?" He shakes his head in mute response.

"All I can remember is this feeling of dreadful panic." He says with a shudder, as if it threatens to overcome him again. He passes a tired hand over his face, and it stops at the tears. I give in to an urge I've been repressing for the last few minutes and reach up to dry them for him. He smiles and pulls me into a hug… which sort of ends up with _me_ holding _him_, somehow. I suddenly feel overwhelmingly protective. I reach a hand to his hair and start stroking it. It's still soft and it still smells nice. He sighs and relaxes into my chest.

"So," he murmurs after a few minutes, "that guy you brought home…"

I can feel myself flushing; cursing my pale skin, I reply, "yeah, um, he left, y'know, just after…"

"Oh right." I can sense him looking up at me, and unfortunately I know I'm still red, which makes me worse. I feel an unexpected wave of guilt as I realise – he must have heard us.

"I'm sorry if I kept you awake. And, I'm sorry for bringin' random people home, too… when you ran away, I needed to forget about it – so I ended up with the first guy I found. Sorry."

Howard starts looking guilty now, and I can't think why he should, till he starts talking.

"About that, actually… I'm really sorry I ran away. It was just cos I was scared and I thought you were trying to mess with my head." I'm almost hurt at this, till I remember how insecure he is.

"So, are you gonna be okay now?" I ask him, seeing him suddenly become sleepy. It must have drained him as well as it being the middle of the night, cos he can barely keep his eyes open. That affectionate feeling of protectiveness comes over me again and I have to fight not to keep him in my arms and never let go. _Ever_.

He nods, but then some memory of the dream must have escaped his mind, cos he shudders again.

"Umm, actually… I hope this doesn't come out all weird or anything, but… will you spend the rest of the night with me? Here?" He blurts all this out in a rush and goes red. I pretend not to notice. I can understand why, so I just nod.

I slip into bed with him, snuggling up behind him. Warm and comfortable.

"G'night, little man." Howard mumbles from somewhere distant sounding in front of me. I can feel myself drifting off, but before I fall asleep completely, I wrap my arms around him and snuggle closer so we're spooning, and then reply:

"Night, Howard. Sweet dreams."

* * *

I'm warm. And comfortable. Oh, I don't wanna wake up… too late, we've officially been dragged into the cold wet hedge of conscious thought.

I can barely remember last night. That feeling of awful panic's mostly forgotten, along with the dream, and I could almost believe last night was a dream itself, if it wasn't for Vince, who's still here – visible, physical proof that it was real.

I can feel his deep-sleep breathing, his skinny chest and stomach rising and falling slowly against my back. It's really calming.

He's got one arm slung over my shoulder, and the other one's still around my waist in some, probably subconscious, protective gesture. He's still as close to me as he was last night. It doesn't feel weird, though. It's really nice. Maybe _nice_ isn't the right word, though – maybe it should be 'lovely' or 'sweet'… nice'll do, I suppose.

I'm going to close my eyes and relax for ten more minutes before Vince wakes up…

…Wait, his breathing's changing. It's becoming a little shallower and a little faster, which probably means he's moving into consciousness.

So I wait till I know he's fully awake, and then I turn to face him. His face is closer to mine than I thought it would be. His beyond beautiful blue eyes regard mine sleepily for a second, then he smiles at me. I smile back.

We both sit up.

"Morning, little man. Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, really well, actually, you're really comfortable, you know, they should market replicas of you in cushion form or something…" trust him to start babbling as soon as he wakes up.

"So," he continues, "did you sleep okay? No more bad dreams?"

"No, but I had someone to protect me from them." He flashes me a big smile – an odd one, though, not one I've ever seen on him before. It's almost as though he's pleased with something I just said, or something…

"Listen, Howard… I think it's time I came clean to you about somethin'…" My heart starts racing and my stomach ties in knots. What could it be?

"…I wouldn't usually tell you this, but it's drivin' me mad, so I guess I have to, and just hope it doesn't ruin our friendship for good…" For goodness sake! Will he just get on with it?

"…So, basically, Howard, I… I love you." He's looking down shyly, "as in, I'm… _in_ love with you."

That's it. All at once I can feel my emotions rising in me like fizzy pop, all threatening to come to the surface at once. He loves me! He said it! He loves me too! I could laugh, scream, cry, dance, whatever.

And then it hits me like an anvil in a predictable old cartoon… I'm not ready for this yet. So…

"…Wow, Vince… I don't know what to say, or do, or anything! I think the first thing I should tell you is, I love you too – that is to say, I'm in love with you, too!" His face lights up and his smile's like blue skies in a rainstorm. "But, listen…" and at this his face grows uncertain, "…I'm just not ready for a relationship with a guy yet, I'm too confused and insecure. I mean, sometimes I feel like I should be straight, and then other times I just get these… feelings for you, Vince, that could just explode out of me if I don't do or say something!" I can see his eyes growing bigger and sadder at this, and my resolve almost crumbles with the sudden brick wall of guilt that hits me over the head, until…

"…Look, it won't be forever, just till I get my head sorted, okay? Till then, we're alright with each other?"

He nods and looks slightly happier. I give him a hug that just does not last long enough, then I realise I'm ravenous.

"I'm gonna get some breakfast, little man. You coming?"

"Nah, I'm gonna sleep in a bit longer. D'you mind if I stay in your bed?" I tell him no, and leave him about to lie down.

* * *

As soon as Howard walks out of the room, I burst into tears.

Oh, I'm being so silly. It's not like it's forever, after all. And I do believe him, too, so I should be happy!

I've always been impatient, though. Maybe that's partly why I hated it so much when we stopped talking, cos I just couldn't wait for us to be back to normal again.

…what if he _is_ just using excuses to get out of being in a relationship with me? Would he do that, to keep from hurting my feelings? Though he looked pretty sincere about it when he told me he loved me, and the expression on his face when I told him! It went from worry to happiness to excitement to near terror and back to happiness in about a second! I s'pose that's pretty sincere as well.

I think that part of this – my crying my eyes out in Howard's bed, which is creepy in the best of situations – is relief that he feels the same way – even if he does wish he didn't.

I mean, he says he's dead confused. That means about his sexuality. What if he decides to be straight, so he doesn't want me any more? Though I guess he could decide to be bisexual. That makes me laugh, Howard bisexual. I can't believe he actually does love me back, though… in _that_ way!

I think I've calmed down a little, now. I should go have some breakfast soon. I think what I should do is just give him the space he needs, and don't push him into anything he isn't ready for.

Right, I'm starving. I hope Howard doesn't notice I've been crying…


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Hey, people! I'm sorry this took so long, but i wanted to really think about this last chapter and where i was going with it. as it is, i'm immensely proud of it, i think it's the best i've ever done. oh yeah - i couldn't help but notice the lack of reviews for the last couple of chapters, and i wouldn't mind asking what i did wrong? con-crit would be very good, so i know what not to do in the future :) thanks for reviewing - becky-rocks, chugirl, swisstony and LDNatalie! enjoy! :)

Chapter 5 – Understandings

Right, breakfast. Toast? Yeah, why not.

I hope I didn't upset Vince back there. The way his face fell when I told him I couldn't yet, I just hope he doesn't think I'm making excuses or lying.

I do love him, I do. And it's amazing, brilliant to know that it's returned for once – though we've always loved each other, even if it was just as best friends.

And I'm glad I let Vince know, too. Though I know I wouldn't have said anything at all if he hadn't made the first move…

I'm being perfectly sensible about it – my reasons are sensible, that is. I mean – I'm not exactly experienced. I've not even had a relationship with a girl yet, never mind a guy – and especially my best friend.

On top of that, I'm just not ready to accept that I'm gay – or bisexual… or anything but straight, for that matter.

I suppose is it reassuring in a few ways, though – he's my best friend, so, for one, when we really do come to be in a relationship, I expect it'll feel natural.

And we know each other inside out, too, so we don't have to go through all that 'getting to know you' stuff I'm so awful at.

Gosh, that was a short lie-in, Vince is up already.

I give him a good look up and down now, because there's definitely something different about him. Can't quite put my finger on it, though…

"Hey, Howard."

"Hiya, little man. Nice lie-in?"

"Well, I didn't get any more sleep – you know how it is, once you're awake you just can't get back to sleep again." He's made his breakfast – Weetabix. He comes and sits literally next to me, so close our sides are almost touching. I pretend not to notice, though.

The conversation carries on, with me adding 'mmm' and 'yeah' when appropriate. What I'm really focusing on is that every now and again Vince's hand twitches towards me, as if he's just dying to touch me, but then decides against it.

Do I want Vince to touch me? Do I want him to close that physical gap between us that'll most likely be forever? Yeah, I think I do. But the thought of Vince touching me is sending me into corners of my mind I thought didn't exist till now – not unpleasant but wildly inappropriate at the breakfast table, sir! It's also a bit scary and confusing. I suppose, weighing both feelings up, it's mostly a yes. I'm still not ready to close that gap, though.

Back in the real world outside my head; the tension is so electric it's almost crackling audibly. Oops, I finished my breakfast ten minutes ago without realising. What was I doing, just sitting there staring at him? No wonder Gideon thought I was a freak.

"Well, I'm off for a shower, Vince. I'll be down in ten minutes or so." He nods, and goes back to his largely abandoned Weetabix.

I leave the room with a strange cold feeling in my side, the one Vince was sitting at.

* * *

Weetabix is genius! Whoever invented this should be given a medal or something!

Howard seemed a bit… out of it. S'pose it's just cos he's thinking about it all, really.

I was dying to touch him, to grab his hand, any contact – but I daren't have, in case he flinched away from me. I don't think I could have coped with that, specially if I can't cope with him telling me we'll be together one day!

The sexual tension by the time he'd finished his breakfast, though… you could have cut it with a knife… almost see the stuff, it was that thick!

… I hope Howard didn't notice I've been crying. I _did _catch him giving me a weird look when I walked in the room, but maybe my hair's a bit messy? Wish I had a mirror on me so I could check… ah, my spoon! Ugh, unflattering… but nah, my hair's ok, thank goodness. I hope he didn't work it out, he'll think I'm a right idiot.

How long will it take him to make up his mind? I hope it's not, like, years. Seriously, I'm hoping it'll be soon cos I think I might just pounce on him before too long.

Wonder how much longer he'll be in the shower? I can't help thinking about him in there, all steamy, wet, naked, soaped up…

…uh-oh. Right, think of something really freaky to make it go away…

_BolloinabikiniBolloinabikiniBolloinabikiniBolloinabikiniBolloinabikiniBolloinabikiniBoll_

Hang on; I think he's out now. Don't think of what's under that towel he's probably getting on right now.

I'm going for a shower now… it'll probably be a cold one.

* * *

Pah. I don't know how he managed to persuade me into this. Clubbing indeed. Well, ok, I suppose I may have relented because I really don't think I could take Vince coming home wasted in the arms of some Camden slag again.

Urrrgh. The very thought of all that's entailed with clubbing sets my teeth on edge. _Dancing. Electro. Flirtinis. _I, Howard T J Moon, am way too dignified an intellectual to waste my time dancing, sir! And Electro? I would much prefer to sit and listen to the complex strains of Dizzy Gillespie or Hot 'WeeWee' Jefferson than any of Vince's jumped up Electro bands. And what's wrong with a nice cold manly beer?

Vince has just made his entrance from the bathroom. Three hours in there and damn, was it worth it.

He looks like the moon himself, dressed in a white sequinned catsuit that bares his pale forearms and sweeps in a V at the front to reveal his smooth, creamy chest. His skin shimmers ethereally under the light like a real life electro fairy. His makeup perfectly complements the outfit, using pale blues and whites. Blue eyeshadow makes those massive eyes look even bigger, even bluer and even sparklier. It's as if they take up most of his face.

His mouth! Clear lipgloss with a slight whitish shimmer accentuates his pout even more, and whitish blush makes his angular cheekbones seem more prominent, but softer somehow.

His hair, instead of being root-boosted to oblivion, is straightened so it fits against his face, and the raven black, which seems to glitter from black to dark purple tonight, contrasts with the rest of the outfit, making it stand out even more. When he moves, his hair moves, and as he moves I catch a smell of the aftershave he's wearing. It smells like _him_, like light and sun and rainbows and sweets – something that a girl might have worn but was so intrinsically Vince. He looks like temptation personified.

I look him up and down, his slender body inviting my eyes to linger, until I look back at those eyes, and, my heart aching, I smile at him, unable to speak.

He smiles back shyly and it's like being drenched in a rainbow. I suddenly feel giddy with delight. Or maybe it's lack of oxygen since I think I may have stopped breathing for the last minute and a half.

"Ready, Howard?"

I just nod, my throat dry. I try to speak. "You look… you…wow." He smiles again.

"I made a special effort for you just cos you finally agreed to come out with me."

He holds out his hand; I take it and he leads me out of the front door.

* * *

Ah, I'm in my element here. Love the music, love the people… love the dancing. I don't understand why Howard doesn't like this sorta thing.

Speaking of Howard… I see him by the bar, sitting moodily with a Flirtini in his hand. As if he doesn't like Flirtinis! Pity, cos it's all they sell in this place…which I think is a genius idea.

Best go over to him and see how he's feeling.

"Hey, small eyes."

Howard glares at me, but then his gaze softens. I think he likes my moon-inspired outfit. But then again, who doesn't?

"Hello, little man."

"Wanna dance?" He looks at me like I'm mad, then shakes his head. Hard.

"Aww, come on?" I bat my eyelashes at him, and he sighs and stands up.

"Fine, but I won't be very good," he assures me.

When we're on the dancefloor, I turn to face him, and start talking to him.

"Dancin'. 'snot about the music. Well, not only, anyway. You don't 'ave to be someone who dances, like, every day, to dance well. All it is-" I clasp my right hand on Howard's waist at this, while my left seeks out the small of his back, "-is that as well as the music, you need to connect with your partner, emotionally an' physically." At this I let go and put his hands around my waist. He looks slightly confused. I stretch up to whisper in his ear. " D'you feel it, Howard? The connection?" He nods, half a smile on his face, and I smile back. "Good. Then we can dance."

Conveniently, a slowie starts just then, and I put my hands back where they were, and let go. I can feel him let go, too, after a bit. I smile smugly to myself.

* * *

Hmph. I knew it'd turn out like this. Me just sitting at the bar with these awful Flirtinis – apparently they sell nothing else here – and watching Vince work the room.

Watching him is pretty hypnotic, though. He just gets totally unconscious to what's going on around him, like he's dancing on his own in an empty room.

He's stopped. Ah, he's seen me… great, I bet he wants me to dance…

"Hey, small eyes." How dare he call me that? I start to glare and can't finish because he's just too lovely to glare at.

"Hello, little man." He smiles at the term of affection, then looks serious.

"Wanna dance?" I _knew_ it! I knew that was the only reason he came over here! So I shake my head as vigorously as I can without it falling off my neck.

"Aww, come on?" the devious little fairy bats his eyelashes at me and suddenly I'm getting up with a sigh. Half of me is screaming "what are you doing??" but the out loud of me part says "Fine. But I won't be very good."

I let him lead me to the dance floor, which is full of overly made up Camden girl-boys and boy-girls; the only one who even comes close to standing out in the middle of all those is Vince, who's turning to face me.

"Dancin'. 'snot about the music. Well, not only, anyway."

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

"You don't 'ave to be someone who dances, like, every day, to dance well. All it is, is that as well as the music, you need to connect with your partner, emotionally an' physically." Makes a bit more sense. Somewhere during this bizarre dance lesson, Vince's hands have found their way to my waist, and to the small of my back. Now, though, he lets go and takes my hands, putting them around his slight waist. I'm still terrifically confused as to how he got me up here. All he did was blink at me!

Now he's stretching up to whisper in my ear: "D'you feel it, Howard?" well I feel something, even if it is a manipulative electro-ponce tickling my ears. "The connection?" I try to hold back a smile, and just nod my head. Vince smiles back. "Good. then we can dance."

A slow song comes on at that point. I'm suspicious that had something to do with Vince.

For a while, I'm watching the other couples, till I see a gay male couple together. They look so in love. Seeing them kissing, the submissive one then burying his head in the other's chest, I feel a strange feeling come over me. _That's what I want._ I need to tell Vince as soon as I can. But first, I close my eyes, and let myself go to the song, the music and Vince.

After the dance is over, I have to grudgingly admit that I rather enjoyed it.

"Well? What did you think?" Vince asks me, eyes shining.

"It was okay…" I answer indifferently, but he's already gathered that I enjoyed it more than I'm letting on.

"Vince? Want to come for a walk?" He nods breathlessly, and we step outside into the cool air.

Walking down to the river, Vince holds my hand. It feels strange but I know it's exactly what I want now.

I stop on a bridge that overlooks the river. It's a gorgeous spot, quiet, and the river reflects the clear dark night, the beautiful stars, and the unusually quiet moon.

Vince looks at me, all these things reflected in his luminous eyes. He looks like someone out of a fairy story, like a personification of the moon, or a fairy that lives on the moon or something. He glimmers all over.

"Vince… I've decided." He looks apprehensive for a few seconds, but I stop that short.

"I want to be with you, Vince. You look so beautiful tonight. You always look beautiful, and you're beautiful inside too… and I couldn't bear it if anyone else except me got to see that beauty every day, every night, forever. I love you, Vince." I say this with more feeling than I've ever said anything else.

His face lights up again and I feel so lucky, like I'm seeing something extra special, extra rare. Then he stretches up and kisses me. Not an innocent sort of kiss like our first, but something entirely different. I kiss back with a fierce passion; feeling his tongue brushing at my lips, I open my mouth… his mouth tastes so… Vince. As our tongues explore each other's mouths, I become painfully aware of the by-product. So, I think, does Vince, because he begins to get carried away, and slides a hand towards my groin. Starting to rub it, he carries on kissing me with an intense enthusiasm. I groan into his mouth, and my mind begins to go blank – oh, that feels so good! But we shouldn't…here…

"Vince," I mumble from his lips, and he gently detaches himself from me, "Not here. Let's go home first, right?"

He smiles, a smile of lust and such a mix of emotions that I'm not sure how to interpret it. Then he takes my hand. "I know a shortcut." He replies.

* * *

I can't think straight. I don't think I've ever been happier than now, to be honest. I feel dizzy and out of breath with all the emotion hitting me right now.

As I'm leading him to the front door and fumbling with the key, my mind's occupied on what I'm going to do to him once we're inside… then I realise – we've got forever for all that.

As we get into my room I smile dizzily at him, seeing him smile back, a truly genuine smile that reaches his eyes. I kiss him and push him down onto the bed. I flick my tongue gently against his lips and willingly he opens his mouth. He tastes so sweet. Like bookmarks and trumpets made out of liquorice bootlaces. And something else – just Howard, I think. As I explore his whole mouth, I feel both of us responding.

Shall I drive him mad? Yeah, I decide, as I grind our erections together. Hard. He moans into my mouth, and arches upwards to try and get that contact again.

I shake my head, but then reach a hand up his shirt and play idly with a nipple, all the while still kissing him and gently moving our groins together. I can tell it's driving him crazy, so I pull away from him.

Looking down at him, he's never looked more beautiful. Or more sexy. Those amazing, soft lips, now swollen with kissing. His melted chocolate eyes, that really aren't all that small, looking back at me with a mixture of lust and love. No one's ever looked at me like that before. Lust, yeah, loads of lust – but not really love.

"are you sure you want to do this?" I ask him in while moving down to his neck and planting soft kisses onto it, which makes him shiver.

"Sure? I've never been so sure of anything else in my life, sir!"

I can't contain a smug and happy grin.

"I love you, Howard."  
"I love you too, Vince."

A/N: Well? what did you all think? i hope you liked it, i'm desperately proud of it :P please don't hesitate to tell me where i need to improve if there's any areas. but don't be mean about it ^_^ love you all! x


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